1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,040
This programme contains adult humour

2
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,280
Tonight he enters the
passage de passion!

3
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,720
That dress is just
womanliness gone mad!

4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:13,400
You didn't do this for me, did you,
Mr Wilkinson?

5
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,520
Course not! You're me brother!

6
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,920
Why won't you have sex with me?

7
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:22,960
I would've done if it wasn't
for the friction burns on my cock!

8
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,800
Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

9
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,280
with bubbles in it

10
00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:40,200
handle anything stronger now

11
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:59,200
What are you writing?

12
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:03,200
I'm writing things
I like about carpets.

13
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,480
So far I've got, "They're nice."

14
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:13,840
Why - what are you doing?  Listing
the things we need when we get
married.  What like - confetti?

15
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:18,400
Cigars? Weeping aunties?
Weeping aunties?  Well, yeah...

16
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:22,800
like crying-weeping,
not leprosy-weeping.

17
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,440
I'm not listing things for the day.

18
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:32,440
I'm writing the things people buy
us for joining in holy bla-bla-bla.
Isn't that greedy?

19
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,880
No! Do you want to end up
with five toasters?

20
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:41,440
Maybe! I might want to have
a toast party one day.

21
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,160
No, you won't!
Not after the last one!

22
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:47,680
This way,
we don't get duplicate presents.

23
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,120
What's on this list, then?

24
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:54,560
I looked round the house
to see what we're short of. Oh!

25
00:01:56,960 --> 00:02:00,280
Are we getting a monkey?  What?

26
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:05,320
We've sort of picked up everything
over the years, including scurvy.

27
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:10,040
Everyone does it!  What's on
this list, then?  Have a look.

28
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:15,240
A computer?! Why do you need that?

29
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:21,000
I dunno. I like pressing buttons.
And things that go brrr-beep-brrr!

30
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:25,160
Yeah, me too! What do you need
a bread-maker for?

31
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:29,640
Well, because I like things
that go beep-beep-boo!

32
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:34,640
A different kettle of fish!  We're
having a list!  It's all expensive!

33
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:37,760
I think you'll find it's not!

34
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,920
Not everything, but where
will people find a Hear'Say album?

35
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,080
You off on the pull tonight?

36
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:52,760
Are you? Where'd you do?

37
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:56,120
You know, over here, over there...

38
00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:00,560
Widnes, Liverpool, what?
Mostly walk round the streets.

39
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:04,960
Where do you meet women, then?
Me mum brings scrags round.

40
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:10,280
Women don't like being
called scrags.  These ones do!

41
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,720
Have you got a girlfriend?

42
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,960
Kind of...  Kind of?

43
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:20,520
A girl with sick on her
lets me touch her on Fridays.

44
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:23,000
Police are moving her on now.

45
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,800
You've got to put yourself out there!

46
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,480
Tried that as well.
Police moved me on!

47
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:35,400
After work, have a shower,
put a shirt on.
I'll show you how it's done.

48
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,680
Gaz!  What?

49
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,240
I know how to put a shirt on!

50
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,160
Will you get me the Tupperware?

51
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:53,320
It seems a cheapo thing
for one of your best mates.
Don't worry about that.

52
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:59,280
You're a student. You need
your money for caffeine pills
and other toss!

53
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:04,360
Not for much longer. I've got a work
placement shadowing a social worker.

54
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,320
Watch out, Miss Fitz! I'm coming.

55
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,240
Is that a social work motto?  Hello!

56
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:14,520
I brought you beer!
Aren't I wonderful?  Truly!

57
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,320
Doing my wedding list.
A list? You haven't set a date!

58
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:24,600
Date doesn't matter!
Presents are the thing.
That's why I have six birthdays.

59
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,000
Well, there's a lot of...

60
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,960
It's a bit...

61
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,040
A coffin?

62
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:38,240
Bagsy the Tupperware!  Yeah, right!
For me one and only wedding day!

63
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:41,720
Yeah... So what have you got me
signed up for?

64
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:46,480
How much do you pay in rent a week?
£30.

65
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:53,600
I get a discount if I don't wash
or move or throw things.  How much
do you get paid?  £150 take-home.

66
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,640
Start saving now -
you'll have enough for a freezer.

67
00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,840
Yea, but I need to live as well.

68
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,880
Donna! Don't be so mean!

69
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:09,440
What are you getting her?
Tupperware. But I'm poor!

70
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:14,320
I'm really poor! Sometimes I have
to steal from children in need -

71
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,560
not the charity!

72
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:20,920
And I'm going out

73
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:30,160
What should Donna get us
for the wedding?  I dunno! Nothing!

74
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:34,360
I can't get you nothing.  OK...
A Scandinavian.

75
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:39,920
I was thinking more bed linen
or a fiver.

76
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:44,760
Great! Could we have the fiver now?
There's a Mars Bar we fancy

77
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:48,880
You and Gaz can go in together
on your present.

78
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:54,560
That's true.  No. Gaz is getting us
a tyre to put towards a car.

79
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:58,640
Fine! I'll budget!

80
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,560
I'll budget like those Ethiopians!

81
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:06,560
Right, I'm off!  Me too. Got some
begging I need to catch up on!

82
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:17,720
Donna earns £150 a week!  I know!
She's so mean!

83
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:24,480
I know! If she didn't go around
buying us beer and handing out fags,
she wouldn't have to scrimp!

84
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:30,120
Yeah! And she's always sponsoring
Africans, puppies and fat kids!

85
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:32,720
Should I go after her?

86
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:39,960
No, you stay here! I've got
some case-study pictures of abuse
and neglect from the '70s!

87
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,480
You should see the clothes!

88
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,440
Hiya!

89
00:06:56,360 --> 00:07:00,600
I said wear a shirt.
I am wearing a shirt!

90
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:05,160
You'll never meet women
if you're half man half shell suit!

91
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,400
Though Mel C did all right...

92
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:10,200
Maybe I like men.

93
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:15,160
I caught you with that picture
of Jamie Oliver. We had a talk.

94
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,480
Disgust, not lust!

95
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,880
Shall I try it, then?

96
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,200
See them women over there?

97
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,400
Do they like me?

98
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,800
There's only one way to find out.
OK.

99
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,480
Oi! Women!

100
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:35,600
Girls don't like being shouted at!
Be subtle.

101
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,920
Like bending me leg round me head?

102
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,160
Not supple - subtle!

103
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:45,000
Say you wanted this amazing pie,
right.

104
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,280
You holding back pies?!  No...

105
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:53,400
You're after this pie,
but the pie's, like, in a cage.

106
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:57,720
Why? What did the pie do wrong?
Nothing. Just listen.

107
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,080
Reach in very gently...

108
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:04,800
so as not to disturb the laser beams
or snakes protecting it.

109
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:09,560
What kind of pie is this?
It's not important.

110
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:14,880
Remember to treat chatting up women
as you would like stealing a pie.

111
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,600
Oh, OK...

112
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,600
Oi, women!  Are you not listening?

113
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:27,040
You're thicker than me!
It's complicated, though!

114
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,440
Not if you relax a bit.

115
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,440
Just try smiling at them.

116
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,600
OK.

117
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,120
Not like that!

118
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,960
You smile from a distance.

119
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:51,600
If they smile back, ask them if they
want a drink, what their name is...

120
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,400
If their name's John, walk away!

121
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:59,760
What if they want a drink?
Buy 'em one.

122
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:03,240
But what if they want my drink?
I couldn't handle that!

123
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,920
Practise on her. Looks desperate.

124
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:12,080
She looks like she went to school.
I don't like the brainy ones.

125
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:15,760
It's only practice.  OK.

126
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,120
Do you want to see me knob?

127
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,560
What do you think of the list?

128
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:37,680
I don't have a lisp.
No, the wedding list!

129
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,200
It's more Janet's department.

130
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:44,280
Wedding lists and cleanliness
I leave well alone.

131
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,720
What do you want out of the wedding?

132
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,000
Chocolate gateau would be nice.

133
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,480
I just wanna marry Janet.
That's nice.

134
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:56,360
Every time I say that,
a woman comes on to me.

135
00:09:56,360 --> 00:10:03,400
Would you have put expensive stuff
on the list?  I don't know anyone
who can afford what she wants.

136
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:07,840
A steam cleaner! You can't clean
steam!  That's right!

137
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:14,640
I'm skint - I've to buy the biggest
present!  Thought you were rich.
You work in the bucket factory!

138
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:19,600
Yeah, I'm on the machine between
Richard Branson and Donald Trump

139
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:26,960
I'm on minimum wage.  Are you?
I earn more on job-seeker's
for colouring-in!  You see?

140
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:31,680
Doesn't Janet know you haven't
got any money?  I think so...

141
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:35,760
Cos I buy the beer and fags,
she thinks I'm loaded.

142
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,080
I curse my generosity!

143
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:45,360
I curse the RSPCA for making me
send them money! Never received
my signed photo of that doberman.

144
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,800
Couldn't you make something for us?

145
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:54,600
That'd go down a storm!
"Here's my representation of Easter
in a shoe box!"

146
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,200
I might be able to help you.

147
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:03,880
Lend me me the money?  No!
You'd spend it all on the doberman!
What, then?

148
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:08,360
Meet me at Pig Hill Farm Rd
tomorrow. I have a secret plan!

149
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,680
We're not going to...?  Shh!

150
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:13,000
Didn't I just say it was secret?

151
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:24,920
Hello, David. What was so urgent?
Hello, Louise.

152
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,320
Oh, God!

153
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:32,240
Not again! Is this another woman
you've slept with?

154
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,640
Louise, this KP,
my cousin from Widnes.

155
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,840
She's deaf.  What?

156
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,160
Don't do that - it's not a joke!

157
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,640
You poor thing!

158
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:51,520
Are you all deaf with no ears?
Louise!

159
00:11:55,680 --> 00:12:01,280
I'm being empathetic!  You're not!
If you can't be normal, go home!

160
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,200
I'm a social worker now!

161
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:10,320
I have to be empathetic all day!
I like to shake my thang
in my time off!

162
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:14,240
I like to shake my thang

163
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,240
in my time off!

164
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:34,240
See? I'm poor! Poor! Poor! Poor!
What?

165
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:38,520
Here's my catalogue bills,
wage slips, bank statement...

166
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:43,800
all as red as a postbox
with a period!  This one isn't!

167
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:50,120
My savings account. My gran gave me
that for university if I go.
There's £200!

168
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:54,880
You're not going to uni!
You're as thick as me!  I might!

169
00:12:54,880 --> 00:13:02,480
I might be looking into
night schools in salsareisiology!
You're never going to college!

170
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:09,960
You made that up to make me feel
bad! I don't! I just feel my best
mate wants to spoil my happy day!

171
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,320
OK, fine. I'll see what I can do.

172
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,640
There you go.

173
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,960
Make you feel better?  Tons!

174
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:21,680
Oh, Donna...

175
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,680
Night school.

176
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,600
Study salsareisiology
with Dr Martinino Salsarino...

177
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,880
£200! Oh, no!

178
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:48,400
Does she have to sign so loudly?
Everybody's looking!

179
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:54,240
She was just telling me about
her ex-boyfriend - total moron.

180
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,480
She has boyfriends?

181
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:07,360
Yes, she has boyfriends. Why?
Oh...because so do I!

182
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,680
We've got so much in common.

183
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,320
Aw! KP,

184
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,720
did he dump you because you're deaf?

185
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:31,200
You're being embarrassing!
Talk normally. She can lip-read.

186
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,040
Not if I do this!

187
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:39,720
Hello, David! I'm bored.
I want to go home.

188
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:45,600
Stop! Jesus! You're worse than her
ex!  I'm not! I'm very sensitive...

189
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,080
and bored!

190
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:52,600
You're going to have to be more
considerate with my family.

191
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:56,560
Why? What's wrong with the rest of
them?

192
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,320
Oh, God! The genetics!

193
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:12,400
David, don't walk off on me...!

194
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,040
Oh, I think I'm going blind!

195
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,920
Isn't it cool?

196
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:23,760
What else do women like?
Do they like crocodiles?

197
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,400
They like it when you lie to them

198
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:31,120
about their hair and their clothes
and their big fat arse.

199
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:39,920
I don't understand.  Say you were
out with someone, a woman, like, and
she puts a dress on, what do you do?

200
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,200
Grab them!

201
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:46,880
No, you'd say..."You look lovely!"

202
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:51,080
You look lovely and pretty
and beautiful!

203
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:57,520
Good. Just try saying it
without spitting. Hold on!
I've got a better idea.

204
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,160
Pretend I'm a woman.

205
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:07,680
Wait! Wait! Don't grab!
Just be nice!

206
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,920
Compliment me.

207
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,560
Oh, er...

208
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,160
you're a nice lady.

209
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,360
Why, thank you, sir.

210
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:21,040
Do you like...my hair perhaps?

211
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:27,080
Yes, I do! Do you mind if I have
some?  You're offending me now...

212
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:31,680
when all I wanted
was some chocolates and bras.

213
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:39,720
I've got Marmite!  You can touch me
shoulder in a flirtatious manner,
if you like.

214
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,840
That'd get me all dirty!

215
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,560
Is your vagina on your shoulder?

216
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:56,320
I've searched for that woman!
She doesn't exist!

217
00:16:56,320 --> 00:17:00,400
I think round about now
you should offer me a drink

218
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,800
and compliment me.

219
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:09,000
Do you want a drink?
I like the way you fix cars!

220
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:14,480
Remember - lie to me! Flatter me
worst features - always gets them!

221
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,320
All right...

222
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,560
Nice Gaz-lady...

223
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:21,560
Yes, gentle mister?

224
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:25,400
You don't have a funny-shaped head
at all!

225
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:33,800
And now perhaps you could compliment
my sense of humour...

226
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:37,480
even though I'm a woman
and don't have one.

227
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,800
Oh, yeah, I like jokes,

228
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:44,800
but it's the shape of your head
that's the funniest! Well done!

229
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:48,200
Oh, Munch! My lovely chap...

230
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,640
you haven't even asked me my name!

231
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:56,880
It's Gaz!  This is role-play! How
many women do you know called Gaz?

232
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,560
Four!

233
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,240
Oh...

234
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,120
My names Stephanie.

235
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,320
What?

236
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,760
Your name's got a fanny in it!

237
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,240
All right, fine.

238
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,240
My name's Melanie.

239
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:27,440
Cos your head's like a melon?
You're not taking this seriously!

240
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,240
I am! I've got to lie to them!
I'll go and practise!

241
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:35,480
We've got work! Where are we going?
Meeting women!

242
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:40,440
You can't go now! The only women
about now are eating from bins!

243
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,960
Ready for the biggest bargain hunt
of your life?  The skips?

244
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,320
Well, I don't see an IKEA!

245
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:02,640
Skips, Jonny, skips, as in where
they keep syringes and condoms!

246
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:06,400
That's Courtney Love, but, yes...
It's filthy.

247
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:11,320
Look, Janet's wedding list.
It's evil - keep it away!  Look...

248
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:15,720
these are all things
that people have to buy.  So?

249
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:19,480
If they have to buy them,
they have to throw them away.

250
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,760
I admire your terrifying logic.
Now, let's leave!

251
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,240
You can't afford a big present.  So?

252
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:31,200
Why not get us the biggest gift
of all - the gift of rubbish?

253
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,560
This is mad...

254
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,800
I can feel it in my thumbs.

255
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,520
Welcome to the world of Jonny!

256
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,120
Jesus, Jonny!

257
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,640
The Sally Army bin!
Something for you to wear!

258
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,560
Quality!

259
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,520
One piece of advice -

260
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,560
don't eat anything
and don't sit down.  Why not?

261
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:07,520
Just trust me.
What's wrong with these people?

262
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:12,400
They're not like the last ones?
I'd hate to see another penis today!

263
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,600
Wendy?

264
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,240
Wendy, I brought you some fags!

265
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,280
Louise, you wait in the kitchen.

266
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,640
She likes poking people.

267
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,040
TV BLARES

268
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,640
Woman!

269
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,640
Hello! Would you like me
to social work you?

270
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,000
Too bloody right I would!

271
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,880
You live here?
A lot of the time, yes.

272
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,440
Sometimes I live in the garden.

273
00:20:55,440 --> 00:21:01,200
How does that make you feel...
as a person?

274
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,840
I like your head!

275
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:08,800
OK.  Would you like me to lie to you
now? Women like that.

276
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:13,760
Er...  Chickens have got teeth.
Would you like a drink?

277
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:19,160
Thank you, but I believe
you dripped some disease in there.

278
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,720
Can I touch your bottom now?

279
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:27,320
Give me a second.
It's in here somewhere.

280
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:35,680
I find your advances abusive and
threatening. Please desist at once.

281
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:37,960
Cool! Are you a robot?

282
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:42,120
Please desist!
Deactivate! Deactivate!

283
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:48,120
Why are you saying these words to
me?  Because I'm in love with you.

284
00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:50,640
This isn't the way to pick up girls.

285
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:55,320
My brother said it was.
He's got a girlfriend, and once...

286
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:59,720
I sucked her toe
while she was asleep.

287
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:05,960
Look, I don't know if this is real
social work, but I could help you.

288
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:10,360
Really? My last social worker
just ate all the Hobnobs!

289
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:14,480
That wasn't a metaphor
for something morbid, was it?

290
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:18,840
Metaphor! Deactivate! You're funny!

291
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:21,720
And you're stupid!

292
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:26,600
So I think we should establish that
you need a very special girlfriend.

293
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,320
One with a vagina on her shoulder.

294
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,800
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Thursday!

295
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:42,040
Jonny, where did this come from?
I meant to hide that!

296
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:46,400
It's Donna's wedding present.
She said she was skint.  Yeah.

297
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:53,000
She made me feel terrible. I can't
believe she did this!  It's what you
wanted!  It's to make me feel bad!

298
00:22:53,000 --> 00:23:00,560
But it was awful...  If she can
afford that without saving, she can
buy us a... Name something dearer?

299
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:04,200
Stoke-on-Trent.  Exactly!
She could buy Stoke-on-Trent.

300
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:09,080
Want to see what I got?
Rusty old shite? Am I right?

301
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:14,400
In one way you are! But in many
untruthful ways you are not!

302
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:18,360
What is it, then?
You know your wedding list?  God!

303
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:22,480
I, Stig of the dump,
got you your whole list!

304
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:28,840
Don't forget little old me!
Janet, why would someone
throw a dead duck away?  What?

305
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:34,960
That's one of the questions I asked
as my finger went through its back!

306
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,600
Look!  What's that?
Why does it smell of piss?

307
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:43,520
It may look like an ordinary piece
of carpet, but roll it out...

308
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:48,760
We think it's blood, actual human
blood!  See? It's modern!

309
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,600
What else have we got?

310
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:55,080
Horse And Hound
over and over again!

311
00:23:56,400 --> 00:24:00,360
See? Look - art prints.
Pictures of dogs and horses!

312
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:04,320
Why have you done this?
It's what you wanted.

313
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,560
I wanted you to buy me things!

314
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:14,040
I was going to feel bad about your
night school, get over it and enjoy
my new stuff!  We worked for this!

315
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:19,840
Take it back!  You're such a snob!
You work in a bloody cake shop!

316
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,240
We sell gingerbread men too!

317
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,240
They have Smarties on them!

318
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,760
Excuse me
while I shit myself with envy!

319
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:38,400
Leave her alone, Janet! She worked
hard! I'm scared of polythene,
but she was right in there!

320
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:43,280
Leave me alone! You're both stingy!
I'm off!  You can go too, Jonny!

321
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:49,600
Find some sanitary products
to use as a draught excluder!
That wouldn't work -

322
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,960
mice are attracted to...  Just go!

323
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,120
Leave me to clear all this junk up!

324
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:57,560
God!

325
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:00,440
Oh!

326
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,960
Oh, my God!

327
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:09,360
Hold on!

328
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:16,160
KP, I bought you a pressie.

329
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,400
Hiya.

330
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:23,920
This is your new boyfriend.

331
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:28,000
He's differently abled too.

332
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,240
He's...

333
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,360
..poor.

334
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:42,320
Louise, this is really bad!
Take him away!  Back off, Skippy!

335
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:52,920
Aw! They like each other! Look!

336
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,600
She's getting away!

337
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,920
God, Donna!

338
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,200
You smell rank!

339
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:26,600
Really? Cos usually when I spend
all day at the tip I smell
of Haagen Dazs and baby powder!

340
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:31,960
Where did you get that?  The wonders
of the dump never cease!

341
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:37,040
Jonny! Donna! Look!
Look what's in these boxes!

342
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:42,720
What are they?  Footie programmes!
These are from like 50 years ago!

343
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:49,240
They're signed!  We're rich!
I can get everything on the list!
Martinino Salsarino, here I come!

344
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:53,040
These are from
the 1950 FA Cup Final.  So?

345
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:58,240
When Arsenal beat Liverpool 2-0.
Worth a fortune!  To an Arsenal fan.

346
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,920
Mmm. Shall we?  Yes, let's.

347
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,360
No! My presents!

348
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,240
Does Jonny have secretive patches?

349
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,640
Gaz being all closed off?

350
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:40,680
It's like there's something wrong,
but when I ask, he's snippy!

351
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:41,960
Jonny...

352
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:44,120
I've found a lump.

353
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:49,880
But I've fallen out of love
with Jonny recently.

354
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,040
What do I do?  Go to the doctor!

355
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:56,600
I want to talk.  Sounds serious.
It is.